It Took Me 30+ years to Learn to Say No
From my very childhood, I was taught to be a nice boy. A nice boy that speak politely to others. A nice boy that is well mannered. A nice boy that respect and follow the rules. A nice boy that always has an answer when someone ask something. And so on.
That sounds awesome.
I perceived being nice as simply like that. Thus, I thought that a rejection is bad. It will hurt someone else and that is not nice. I would become a jerk for ignoring other people business.
Yes, many friends and family members saw me as a good boy. So that unconsciously became my justification for “being nice”. I kept myself that way, for too long.
Things went horribly wrong when I started my career.
Me being nice meant unable to say no. Inability to say no means that I had to say yes to every single request given to me.
You know where it goes.
I realized that I could not do all the jobs. But at the same time, I didn’t want to let others down. Rejection has always been the last option. I didn’t want to become a jerk. But the overwhelming jobs stressed me out.
So I lost, it sucked.
The problem is that I was just inside my own bubble.
Looking back, now I realize that the problem roots back from my early childhood.
I was taught to be a nice boy. A nice boy that speak politely to others. A nice boy that …. yes you are right.
While that’s a good thing, I was stuck in a common fallacy.
Just because you reject someone, does not mean you are not being nice. Just because you have different opinion, does not mean you don’t respect your counterpart. And so on.
It took me 30+ years to finally learn to say no
It was overdue, but I’m grateful for the lesson and understanding. It has greatly improved my communication, both at work and in personal matters. Here’s my top takeaways:
- Saying no does not mean you are not being nice.
I believe that the decision to reject something is made not to intentionally hurt someone else, but to achieve a common goal which rarely satisfies everyone. We simply try to find the best solution for all, but not necessarily the best solution for each individual. - Rejection is not the same as rude.
Saying no doesn’t mean ignoring other people’s feelings. You can say no and be polite at the same time. - It’s simply the natural way of communication.
Let’s imagine a scenario: when talking with someone, you present an idea, they agree, you propose another idea, and they nod again. This may seem agreeable, but it leads the discussion nowhere. It’s not fun and feels unnatural. - Saying no doesn’t mean you’re being disrespectful.
On the contrary, it shows that you respect others by expressing your own thoughts and boundaries. By letting others know where you stand, they may propose better suggestions, and together, we can become a better team.
Until next time!
